The Importance of Being a Happy Parent

A dozen years ago, I first wrote about the importance of being a happy parent [here]. My two daughters were young at the time, the nation was at war in the Middle East, I was considering changing jobs, and national politics was upsetting. Since then, I've changed jobs and my daughters have grown up in Dubuque, but war and politics are still unsettling, to say the least. That said, it seems more important than ever to try to be a happy parent.

In the fall of 2015, my older daughter, Ananda, left for college two hours away. We touch base occasionally, but I am definitely not a helicopter parent. I make a point of emphasizing that she is now an adult—with a credit card, no less! I love her dearly, but I don't want to be overly involved in her life. She needs to make some decisions, even a few mistakes, and think for herself. She's a bit more religious that I'd prefer, but not in a fundamentalist direction. And I, after all, was a Baptist missionary at 22 years of age, working for two years in Africa.

The summer before she started college, I took Ananda to Wyoming for a 10-day wilderness program run by Solid Rock Ministries. As the name suggests, a religious group runs it, but one of my favorite former students had gone and loved it, and it fit with Ananda's desire to pursue the psychology of wellness, which includes spirituality and exercise.

My younger daughter, Tess, started high school when Ananda was a senior. Initially, she chose to join the activities that Ananda had pursued, but soon she branched out, particularly in speech competition. One of Tess's great loves is Frogwarts summer drama camp. Amy Ressler, one of my UD colleagues who runs the theater program, has created a web of Frogwarts campers and alumni throughout the region—kids who rendezvous at Renaissance Fairs, go to plays and movies and dances together, and text each other way too often. Tess has blossomed as a node in the network.

Both daughters seem amazingly sane and happy. They were both born in New Orleans to parents who have struggled with anxiety and depression. Both sides of the extended family have a long litany of mental issues, from depression to addiction to full-blown psychosis. And when they were 5 and 7 years old, respectively, we moved them a thousand miles up the Mississippi River to Dubuque, Iowa. Despite this past and heritage, they've had a wonderful childhood and adolescence, as best I can tell. Why?

I really do wonder how they turned out so well. I can't claim credit, but I am also unwilling to give it all to my wife. Instead, we have together learned on the job, and I think we may have some things to pass on to new and prospective parents:

1. Be happy and don't worry too much. If you're not happy, kids take it as either that they are the source of your unhappiness or that the world isn't a good place—not safe, dangerous to explore.
2. Live simply and keep your expenses below your income. Couples fight most about money. My wife and I got by with a single car most of our married life. I added a scooter for mobility in the summer months. During her senior year, my older daughter went to two formal dances and spent a total of $5 on dresses, buying one a Goodwill and borrowing another from a friend. (She looked lovely.) Also, we raised them both without a TV in the house but with lots of books and movies.
3. Don't worry about a mess or overprotect them. My wife arranged for her dad to build an art stand in our living room in New Orleans—glitter glue, paint, and a huge roll of paper. Pretty much anything they needed for creativity. And lots of time to play with cardboard boxes, fire ants, and a Boston terrier named Sam.
4. Support each other. My wife is an introvert. She needs some time alone on a regular basis. When the kids were little, she knew she could depend on me on Tuesday nights to be home with the kids so she could go out for sushi and to a bookstore by herself. Childless friends of mine got in the habit of coming over on those nights to grill chicken, drink wine, eat stinky cheese, and play with the kids. Great memories.

Unfortunately, instead of being happy, most of us spend a lot of time complaining, often over and over again about the same thing. That fits this definition of insanity: "doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different outcome." Instead, either accept the situation, get out, or force a change (at least that's what my therapist said, and it was good advice for me. AA uses it, too.) And avoid hanging out where you get sucked into complaining. My wife is a teacher, and we've often talked about the toxicity of the teachers' lounge, and we have our own versions among college faculty-most places do. Day after day we bitch and complain and whine. It becomes too easy to fall into negativity. It seems addictive.

Like most habits, it takes a while to change behavior. One way is with a gratitude journal or a daily positive email. Perform random acts of kindness. (See [here].) Focus not upon the other person but upon the relationship. What's missing? Often, communication. How can I improve the communication? Not by blaming the other person. Finally, exercise matters. For me, a daily walk with my dog ([here]) is a key part of my well-being. He's always eager to go, happy to be outside.

I realize as I write this that some people will use it as another excuse to feel guilty or beat on. If you really feel that way, get help. I've spent a fair amount of time with therapists, and it was time well spent. (See the therapy section on my blog [here].) Things can get better. Part of being happy is having a goal to work toward. And working toward being happy for your kids' sake is a worthy goal.